How To Win Her Back

Posts Tagged ‘surviving infidelity’

It is an regrettable fact that countless numbers of marriages today are on the point of collapse. Many of those involved in this unenviable position are quite anxious to repair their relationship. Amongst the top three reasons for marriage complications is lack of trust, either mutual or just on the part of one of the spouses in the relationship lacking trust in their partner.

The resulting end product of lack of trust in a marriage is a considerable amount of mutual stress.

Broken trust can result from simple things from not fulfilling responsibilities and promises to serious matters such as infidelity significant addictions, violence and dishonesty. Once trust has been destroyed it is not always a simple matter to re-establish it. You have to earn trust and the only way to do this is to make it evident to your partner, in practical ways, that you have changed your behavior–not just by word but by deed. In this way trust may be re-established but it could very well take a significant period of time.

An important point. Never refute that you have been guilty of betraying a trust when your spouse confronts you with the proof regarding your untrustworthiness. It is much more sensible to agree to mend your ways otherwise re-establishing your trustworthiness will just be so much harder.

The effects of broken trust can be serious and may even result in divorce. 

The affected partner may very well suffer from bouts of depression if they are unable to gain any traction with a partner who wont or doesn’t want to change their behavior. In this circumstance it is highly likely that the children will also be affected by the deterioration in their parents relationship. Professional advice needs to be sought at this point to prevent the possibility of divorce.

The occasional bout of lack of trust affects most marriages. For instance when a partner puts off a job or forgets to carry out an important obligation. These may not be serious in character but over a period of time may build up a picture of untrustworthiness. The following points may be useful to bear in mind:

1. The first move to restoring trust is to admit responsibility for whatever it was that caused the lack of trust in the relationship in the first place.
2. The next move is to make a definite decision to change the behavior that resulted in the broken trust.
3. Lastly, commit to making the change.

The vast majority of marriages are worth saving.  Issues of trust can usually be sorted out if both parties are willing to recognize that the process may be a long one. This is especially so if there have been major indiscretions on the part of one of the spouses that led to the breach of trust. However, if love has still survived regardless, then you should give serious thought to allowing your marriage every prospect of success and happiness.

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Why do people indulge in affairs outside marriage?

The origins of an illicit affair whether sexual in character or mere infatuation with another person can more often than not be traced back to some unsatisfied emotional or physical requirement in a marriage. An extramarital affair is one of the 3 most serious issues affecting a marriage. It involves breaking the most sacred of trusts between a couple. As a consequence, most marriages are not capable of surviving infidelity.

These are the main reasons/excuses given by most people for being drawn into an extramarital affair:

1. Our communication problems are making our marriage intolerable.
2. I just gave way to temptation.
3. No intimacy (or very little) in my marriage.
4. My secretary was always coming on to me particularly after we’d had a drink or two together.
5. I have renewed my relationship with my ex.
6. Lack of intimacy at home because of repeated business trips away.
7. My spouse is suffering from bad health and is unable to engage in sexual intimacy.

It is quite likely that some of the above may be in the too hard basket. However if a couple really are determined to restore their once loving relationship and the innocent partner is prepared to make an effort to heal the hurt then surviving the infidelity will be made all that much easier. There are some matters though that need to be considered, namely:

• If the innocent spouse has had sexual intercourse with their marriage partner since the beginning of the affair, then it would be advisable to have a medical check to discover whether there are any health issues that require medical intervention. This is a matter that shouldn’t be taken lightly. It is important from the point of view of determining whether there has been any possible transmission of some form of sexual disease to an innocent partner.
• The question of trust also needs to be given careful consideration. Can I trust my partner again after what they have done to me and our family?
• Is it really possible for my spouse to break off the illicit relationship, or not to be tempted into another extramarital relationship again even if they have promised that they will definitely remain faithful from now on?
• Consideration needs to be given to engaging a third party to provide suitable counseling to ensure that there is really a determination on the part of both spouses to make the marriage survive and that solutions and ground rules are firmly in place. It can be quite testing for both the person who has been damaged by their partner’s extramarital affair, and the guilty partner, to sort out all the issues associated with this concerning matter on their own.

If you are the innocent party and are really interested in forgiving your partner, and giving your marriage another go, there may very well be light on the horizon if:

• Your partner voluntarily admitted the affair to you.
• They are open when quizzed about it.
• They have told you that they are extremely regretful for having strayed.
• They have agreed to break all connection with the other party.
• They have undertaken to be involved in counseling.

An extramarital affair doesn’t have to mean the finish of a marriage if you both really have the desire and the will to restore your relationship then marriage reconciliation is more than likely achievable.

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Infidelity is a painful way to break a marriage. Marriage vows promised trust and love. It’s very unfortunate that infidelities breaks those vows and causes hurt and pain.

What is the source of all this pain? Look at the lives of Sue and Joe as they experience the pain of dealing with infidelity.

They knew each other before ever starting school together. Their mothers were best friends. Joe was a year older and they began dating when Sue was a high school junior. College was not a difficult choice for Sue, she followed Joe and during her sophomore year, he proposed. They are parents of three children.

Money was sometimes tight as the kids began to grow older so Joe started working late at the office to make ends meet. A few months later Sue noticed that money was just as tight or tighter even though Joe was working very late almost every night. When she mentioned this to Joe, a big fight followed and Joe left.

After a time to cool off, Joe calls Sue and apologizes. During the call, he also admits that the reason there is no extra money is that he has been involved with someone else. He suggests that he and Sue should find a counselor and try to reconcile.

Sue was heartbroken and unsure that she would ever be able to forgive Joe. The person she had known for most of her life was not the man she thought he had been. She had trusted with her deepest secrets had betrayed her and she was deeply hurt.

We all want a story to end happily ever after, but many times stories such as these do not have happy endings. Many times the hurt is so deep and the mistrust is so instilled that marriages are broken and end in divorce.

Any time in the future, that Joe is late for dinner; those old feelings begin to surface once again. Has he found someone else? Whenever he becomes annoyed at the situation, Joe may be tempted to escape to another place without all the pressures of home.

Family and friends become aware of the circumstances. They may no longer come around as often and the family support system is broken. It is difficult to find anyone in whom to confide.

If divorce follows, children will also feel the pain. The relocation of part of the family across state lines makes parental visitation more difficult and it sometimes even stops. Children sense the tension and also feel the pain. They miss the absent parent. Contact is broken and parents also are pained.

The pain does not end at the judge’s bench however. If Sue is fortunate enough to find a new partner for life, her previous husband’s infidelity marriage can also affect this new relationship. How can she ever trust again.

Joe finds that his income, which was already being stretched thin, is now being split between his new household and that of his former family. He is paying an expensive price for his marital infidelity. He also finds that he has difficulty with trust. It is not that he cannot trust others. Joe has difficulty trusting himself.

While infidelity may be tempting, remember that there is a high pain price to pay because surviving infidelity can be harder. It’s all about marital infidelity.

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